My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
