You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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