I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
