I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
