need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
