when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
