the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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