In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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