if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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