Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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