I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
