you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
