if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you never un-have a 4some
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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