At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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