On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
