Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
