just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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