there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
