i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
