Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
