If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
