she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
