How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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