I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize