I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Please don't give away my fajitas
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
