My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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