you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
