Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
