I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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