When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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