Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
