so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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