I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
MIDGETS
????
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
