Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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