The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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