He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
