Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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