life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
