She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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