im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
