Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
