My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
