Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
