fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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