somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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