i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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