before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
