she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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