I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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