I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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