The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize