Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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