So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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