y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
