my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
