What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
