We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
