Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
