Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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