i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
