I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
