I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
