Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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