Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
