my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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