I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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