one word: firstdatebathroomanal
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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