Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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