Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
